Category Archives: motherhood

Dealing With Single Mom Guilt

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More than anything, more than the financial challenges even, what I’m finding really hard to deal with as a single mom is the guilt. I feel guilty that I have to leave each morning to work. I feel guilty that I’m gone for most of the day. I feel guilty that somewhere between when she was born and now 8 months later, I have missed or failed to capture an important milestone in her life. Every time I come home in the evenings, when I look at her and she looks back at me with a huge smile on her face, I feel a pain in my heart because she is one day older but I only saw her in the beginning and towards the end of that day. I didn’t see her while she was discovering the world outside. I was not there to help her discover it.

It is painful. And I don’t really know how to make it easier. I want her to need me. But since I’m not around half of the time, I also want her to be independent. It’s a dilemma, this thing. But I have to do what I have to do.

I try to do things that would make the situation more bearable for me. Like on weekends, I spend all of my time with her. I take her everywhere with me if I can. We’re like a package deal. You get me, you get her. If you extend an invitation to me, you are inviting her as well. If I accept, she accepts. I talk to her all the time when we’re together, like she’s another grown up. I tell her I love her a lot. I hug and kiss her a lot. If I were rich, I’d probably buy her a lot of stuff, gifts, and treats. It’s a good thing I am not rich. She would have turned into one hell of a brat.

Sometimes I worry about leaving her with the nanny on a daily basis. A few months ago, I saw this video on Facebook showing what I thought was a nanny abusing and hurting her charge (later I found out she was actually the mother, that awful woman). That freaked me out. I imagined my baby going through the same ordeal. I wanted to go home right then and there. I even entertained the notion of putting up a hidden camera somewhere in the room so that I can spy on them or to make sure that the nanny was not hurting the baby. Of course, I would not have been able to afford that. It’s just one of those things I think of when I’m being paranoid.

But I also worry about the opposite happening. That the nanny is actually really good and my baby will love her more than she loves me. I know . It’s a horrible, horrible thing to think about but I do think of it. I cannot help it.

So there. I have revealed how much the guilt and paranoia is eating me up inside. How do other mommies deal with their own guilt?

Our Nanny-Free Weekend

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The nanny had to go back to their province for the weekend for a family get-together or something. I embraced the chance to have some quality time with my baby for 2 whole days. For a moment, I was actually scared that she’d grow sick of me. But apparently, 7-month-olds do not get sick of their mommies that easy.

We watched a movie from my laptop. Or rather I watched a movie and she watched me watched it. (Her watching me lasted for 5 minutes, whereupon she launched into a loud unintelligible commentary of God-knows-what, so I switched to earphones.)

The movie is actually Sherlock Holmes, Game of Shadows. I immensely enjoyed it though I found most of the gay moments between Sherlock and Watson awkward. Here is one of those moments:

Damn, they are so good-looking.

I decided to do some cooking, while baby waited. Patiently, may I add.

I wanted to try some of the easy recipes here.

Unfortunately, I’m missing 2-3 elements of the recipes that I wanted to try. So I cooked my trusty old Pork Adobo instead. No, I would not dare post a picture of it. It looks hideous. But it’s not half as bad as it looks.

My baby went through a low appetite phase last month. I have no idea why or what triggered it. It was awful. She’s always had a healthy appetite. I mean, she eats everything and does not stop eating unless you stop feeding her. But the greater part of last month had just been a struggle trying to get her to eat her food. Fortunately, now, she’s back to her old self where she just eats and eats and stops when the food is all gone. She’s even trying to hold her spoon herself now. I know, I’m a lucky mom.

I have not a shred of craftsmanship in me. But I do love paper and I have tried scrapbooking before (I didn’t finish it but that’s beside the point). So I decided to start a scrapbook for Rei. I’m now done with her second month, so that makes me 5 months behind.

The next day, it rained most of the morning so we stayed indoors.

Eventually, it stopped raining and it was time to get some groceries so off we went.

Of course, mom can’t resist looking at beautiful things she can’t afford. So we went from store to store.

So we got tired and had to rest at a place in the mall that serves milk teas (It’s the craze here, I don’t know why).

She is still a happy baby. And look at our shopping shoes! We are the flats kind of girls.

But this is the part she loves best. The push carts!

She was so tired that upon getting home, she only had time to finish her dinner before going straight to bed. Poor dear.

I love weekends. I love doing things with my baby. I love spending time with her. It makes me want to wish that the nanny will take more weekends off.

Letters to Rei #1

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Dear Rei,

You’ve grown up so big now. Six months ago you were but a little infant in my arms, crying when hungry, sleeping like an angel most of the time. It seems like it was just yesterday. Now, I look at you and I see a beautiful baby girl with a will of her own. You just recently weaned yourself from my breasts, sat on your own, and stood without assistance. Soon you will be walking by yourself. Sometimes, I feel like I’m not ready to see you grow. I want you to continue being dependent on me, you always needing me, you inconsolable but by me. Forgive the selfish intent of your mother.

But you will grow up. Someday, I will explain to you why you don’t have a dad like normal kids do. Someday, I hope you will understand. I hope you will never ever think that you are alone in this world. You will always have me.  I promise you that I will be here for you always. You will always have my love. But you will also have the love of those who love me. You have your grandparents, your uncles and your aunt. You have your godmothers who will love you and protect you always. I promise you, you will not be short on love. You will have love in abundance. As a single mom I may not be able to provide you with everything you want. But I promise I will give you everything you need. I will work very hard to give you a good life, one you can be proud of. The opportunities available to anyone will also be available to you. You will not be different, but you will be better.

You’re a very good baby, a happy baby. I hope you never lose that growing up. I love you so much.

~Mom

The Grandparent Syndrome

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Growing up, my mother was very strict. Most especially to me because I am the eldest child. As a matter of fact, I had spent  a lot of time and energy hating my mother. Many a journal pages were devoted to this loathing. Much a time spent contemplating what difference it would have made if I had another mom. Of course, I’ve since had a change of heart. But it didn’t change the fact that my mother was rather a bully, to me and my siblings. But to me most especially. If you noticed, I could not stress that fact enough.

So why then when it comes to my kid is my mother such a marshmallow? She fuses over her like she’s a fragile china. My kid practically has her wrapped around her fingers. My dad is no difference. He is completely smitten by her.

I wish I had grandparents who spoiled me. But then again, my mother would have none of that.

So why does most grandparents spoil their grandchildren?

a. They feel that because the parent role is already taken, they’ll take whatever role is available. Just so that They. Will. Have. A. Role.

b. It’s their way of getting back at us for all the misery we’ve caused them when we were kids.

c. They’re our parents. It’s in their DNA to meddle with our lives and our kids’ lives and our kids’ kids’ lives…

d. As a kid, we never really liked them. Now as grandparents, they are making themselves likable. Because they want to be liked.

e. They feel like they are doing us a favor if they dote on our kids.

f. All of the above.

I Love You, Mom.

How To Deal With A Pregnancy Out-Of-Wedlock

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I don’t want to say “unwanted”. Just because it is not planned doesn’t automatically mean that it is not wanted. But,especially if you live in the Philippines, you will have a lot to deal with. Here’s how I got through it:

1. Make a choice.

It is not the end of the world. Your options may look bleak but you do have them. You can decide to keep the baby. You can decide to go through with the pregnancy and give the baby up for adoption afterwards if you don’t have the means to provide for him. I am against abortion but it is also a choice. Of course, it is illegal in the Philippines, not to mention a sin, so you have to be prepared for the consequences. I do hope you won’t do it. Not only are there legal and moral repercussions, but you would have killed your own child. Out of your desperation, that may seem okay with you but when you get older you won’t be able to forgive yourself. Mark my words.

2. Act according to the choice you made.

If you decided to give the baby up for adoption, research possible adoptive parents and choose the best. You are still the mother of the child. In the future, if you learned that the child you gave up for adoption had a miserable life because of his adoptive parents, you will feel awful because it was your choice that led to that misery.

I decided to keep my baby the minute I knew I was pregnant. The moment I made that decision, there was no turning back. I went out of the bathroom and made the necessary calls. One for an OB appointment, two to the sperm donor. The appointment went well. The conversation with the donor, not so. But what the heck. I’ve decided to keep the baby. His opinion is irrelevant.

3. Do not keep it a secret.

I think this is where most pregnancy out-of-wedlock gets difficult. Most women keep it a secret for as long as they can, especially to their parents. There are always excuses: how to tell them, when’s a good time to tell them, what their reaction would be. You know what? None of those matter. You will still need to tell them and their reaction will still be the same whether or not you will tell them now or 6 months later. In the meantime, this secret becomes a burden and it will make you miserable.

I decided to tell my mother the day after my OB checkup. Arguably, it was easier for me because there was a big body of sea water that separates us and I only have to tell her over the phone. I felt awful breaking my mother’s heart but after that I had peace of mind and more time to focus on more important stuff.

4. Don’t act like a victim.

After you have made your pregnancy known, I implore you to not act like a victim or solicit other people’s sympathy. Because, let’s face it, unless you were raped, you are partly to blame for the situation that you have gotten yourself into. Do not solicit sympathy from other people. That will only make you more depressed and feeling pathetic which is not good. Own up to it. Be “man” enough to face the consequence of your own actions.

5. Don’t mind what other people are saying.

People will talk. They will not be able to help themselves. They will make speculations which may or may not be true. Ignore them all. Give them a facade of strength. You may be as scared as hell in the inside but they will not be able to tell the difference. Do number 4 and eventually the talk will die down. It’s not really fun to gossip how a person is coping well after what seems like a tragedy has befallen her.

6. Surround yourself with people who are actually happy for you.

Now this is very important. I will not pretend that it was all peachy. I was all alone. Of course there was bound to be bad days. During those times I turn to those few people who I know I could count on to cheer me up and help me with whatever I need. Being able to talk to people who are happy for you will make a lot of difference. They will be a reminder of the reasons why you choose to do what you did. That will get you through each time.

7. Go on with your life as if not much has changed.

Having a baby is obviously a big deal. But you are still you. Your priorities may change some. Not to mention that there will now be a little person you have to consider every single time. But you are still you. The baby is just bringing out a better you.

That’s what she did for me and I love her even more for that.

Our Children. Not.

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Your children are not your children. They are the sons and daughters of life’s longing for itself. The come through you but not from you. And though they are with you, they belong not to you.

Rei at 7 days. Very small and skinny.

I have long since considered Kahlil Gibran my guru and his book, The Prophet, my bible. Growing up, this was one of my favorite quotes from this book. When I get into an argument with my mother, I would pull this out from the recesses of my consciousness and recite it. Not in my mother’s face, of course. That would get me slapped.

Now that I am a mother. I would never honor this wisdom. Ever. My child is my child. I still love Khalil and consider him my guru. But now my favorite quote from him is more career-oriented:

Work is love made visible.

To all the mothers out there, Happy Mother’s Day. We’ve made this world a much better place just by existing. Unless you are beating up your 8-month old kid, in which case you are not a mother and you deserve to be in jail.

Before The Big Event

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Before I had my baby, my life revolved around these activities:

Beach getaways (photo credit: Dim Tesiorna)

Tennis practice (photo credit: Vida Wee)

Trivia nights (photo credit: Cebu Trivia Night)

Girls' night outs (photo credit: Mikai Veloso)

Of course, there are a lot of other related activities like shopping, pigging out, Japanese lessons, and procrastinating.

But since having the baby…

1. No more alcoholic drinks. Since I’m breastfeeding, that might get the baby drunk.

2. No more late night outs. Not really because I can’t, but because I’m gonna miss my baby if I’m out for a long time.

3. No more overnight beach getaways. I can’t bare to not sleep next to my kid at night. This will probably go on until she’s ready for college. Or until she bludgeons me to death in my sleep. Whichever comes first.

4. No more procrastination. At least not if I can help it. I work 3 times harder and 2 times longer than before. A long, inexhaustible list of bills are waiting to get paid.

4. No more unnecessary expenses. No more impulse-buying. No more retail-therapy. Clothes. Shoes. Bags. Expensive notebooks. Tennis lessons. Japanese lessons. Anything that is even remotely luxurious. Zilch. Nada. Everything goes to baby-related expenses. Nanny. Vitamins. Vaccines. Formula. Diaper. The list goes on.

For some, it seems an awful lot to give up. I’m not gonna lie, it is. At times, I find myself gazing lovingly at a dress I covet but could not afford. Or at a pair of shoes that seems to be calling out to me.

One time, one of my colleagues asked me: Aren’t you sorry about putting your life on hold? I asked him why he said that. He shrugged. “You have a baby now.”

I had to laugh at that one. I must admit, I never saw it that way. I never saw it as putting my life on hold. Sure, I had to let go of some things. But I got so much more in return. I got a sense of happiness that I could not get from buying material things. I’m not a sociable person to begin with so I did not miss the social activities.

So, no. My life is not on hold. It just took on a different route. It is a road full of challenges and sacrifices. But it is a road full of life and happiness.

The Beginning of the Best Times

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How did she turn out to be so beautiful?

Despite the circumstances under which she came about, my baby is without doubt the best thing that has ever happened to me. Since she came into my life, my happiness has been dependent on the following:

1. Seeing her wake from her sleep, then looking up and smiling at me.

2. Seeing her beautiful face when I get home from work.

3. Seeing her peaceful face when I put her down to sleep.

4. Hearing her cooing and rambling.

5. Just about every single thing she does.

But having a baby has not made me into a different person altogether. I still find pleasure in the things that I used to love, like shopping, reading and nail jobs. It’s just that now my life has taken on a whole new meaning. The challenges of being a single mom, of course, are ever present. It is not easy and I wished that I have started this blog earlier so that I can share it with all those who are going through the same thing.

Baby Rei is now 5 months old and getting bigger and more beautiful by the day. But motherhood is a long journey. One that, perhaps, doesn’t really end even when the child is all grown and living her own life. This is just the beginning.

(Photo Credits: Pat Villaruz)